Balancing the Load: How Couples Counselling Can Help with the Division of Household Labour
“Ugh, I do everything around here, the family couldn't survive one day without me!”
“What more can I do? You don't get it. My boss is breathing down my neck. I don't have time to take on anything else. Anything I do anyways you're just going to redo because I don't know how to fold the towels like Maire Kondo!”
In today’s world, where both partners often juggle demanding careers and personal lives, managing household responsibilities can become a significant source of tension and the above argument plays out in different ways. The division of household labour, which includes everything from cooking and cleaning to managing finances and childcare, is a common area where couples experience conflict. It’s not uncommon for one partner to feel overwhelmed or unappreciated, while the other may feel unfairly burdened or like they are not enough. Fortunately, couples counselling can be a powerful tool for addressing these issues, unpacking underlying issues, and leading to a more equitable balance.
Understanding the Problem
The division of household labour isn't just about chores—it's about fairness, respect, worth, being seen, and partnership. When responsibilities aren’t shared equitably, it can lead to frustration, resentment, and even larger relational issues widening the gap between you and your partner. For many couples, the root of the problem isn’t just the number of tasks but also the expectations, communication, and underlying wounds surrounding them. This is where couples counselling can make a significant difference.
The Role of Couples Counselling
Couples counselling provides a safe environment where partners can openly discuss their concerns, needs, past hurts, and work towards healing and growth with a professional. Here’s how it can help address the division of household labour:
Identifying Underlying Issues: Sometimes, disagreements about household chores are symptoms of deeper issues, such as differing values, unmet needs, feelings of worth. Counsellors can help uncover these underlying problems, unpack them, and resource a couple to turn towards each other instead of against each other.
Facilitating Open Communication: One of the primary benefits of counselling is creating a safe space for both partners to express their feelings and perspectives. A counsellor helps facilitate these conversations, ensuring that both voices are heard and partners learn how to create an attachment safe environment promoting healthy communication. People don't share and open up when they don't feel safe.
Create Safety and Security: Underneath conversations around the division of household labour are a lot of feelings of worth, value, and gender norms/ expectations. Counselling can provide a safe environment to explore these loaded and complex feelings.
Setting Realistic Expectations: Couples often have different expectations about who should do what, how, and when it should be done. Counsellors help partners articulate their expectations and work towards meaningful solutions.
Developing Fair Agreements: Through counselling, couples can work together to create a fair division of labour that considers each partner. This might include exploring household duties specific to the family’s needs, setting up regular check-ins, or redefining roles and responsibilities.
Enhancing Cooperation and Teamwork: Working together as a team rather than seeing each other as an enemy is key to managing household responsibilities. Counselling helps partners move from enemies to teammates by interrupting negative cycles, working through protective barriers, and creating an attachment safe environment.
Building Empathy and Understanding: A counsellor can help partners develop empathy for each other’s experiences and challenges. Understanding each other’s perspectives can lead to greater appreciation, understanding, and cooperation.
Practical Tips for Couples
While counselling can provide valuable support, there are also practical steps couples can take to improve the division of household labour:
Communicate Regularly: Make time for regular discussions about household responsibilities. Use these conversations to adjust plans as needed and to address any concerns that arise.
Divide and Review Fair Play Cards: These cards are a great visual representation of household chores. Plan a date night or date day to go through these cards and work through what's currently happening and what you want to happen and your household.
Unpack and Heal Underlying Issues: Get curious and ask yourself important questions. Is there more to this than folding the towels like Marie Kondo? What meaning am I making from this? What meaning is my partner making from this? When have I felt like this before?
Be Flexible and Fair: Life is unpredictable, and flexibility is crucial. Be willing to adjust responsibilities as circumstances change and strive to be fair in your expectations.
Acknowledge Efforts: Recognise and appreciate each other’s contributions. Seeing each other's efforts can go along way to strengthening your bond and maintaining mutual respect.
Seek Professional Help if Needed: If you find that your efforts to balance household labour are leading to more conflict or frustration, consider seeking the help of a couples counsellor.
Conclusion
The division of household labour is a common issue in many relationships, but it doesn’t have to be a source of ongoing conflict. Couples counselling can provide the tools and support needed to address this challenge, fostering better communication, establishing safety, understanding, and connection. By working together to create a fair and manageable system for sharing responsibilities, couples can strengthen their partnership and create a more harmonious home environment. If you’re struggling with this issue, remember that seeking professional help is a proactive step towards a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.