How Do I Get My Kids to Tell Me the Truth…

I don't actually “get” my kids to do much of anything. I just try to create invitations in uninviting environments.

What stops you from telling the truth?

For me, sometimes I don't want to hear about whatever that person thinks I should've done or I don't want people to see me in a bad light.

I think kids want to avoid getting in trouble, getting unsolicited advice, or having to hear about it. I, also, think kids want to show us their “goodness” and fear our rejection. Our kids need us to survive so they will shut down their unfavourable parts of themselves to preserve their attachment to us.

Therefore, I am passionate about coming up with different ways for my kids to feel safe to show me all of them. So, I created the one-day rule for my family.

1 Day Rule

In our family, if you say one day rule, you can tell us the truth or something hard AND for a full day, we will not say a single thing unless you want us to. That means no lecture, no advice, no punishment; just pure listening.

What I like about this is that it actually gives me time as the parent to process how I think and feel about what my kid is saying. So instead of giving them my reaction, I'm able to formulate a response.

When I asked my kids what they like about this rule, they said: “I like it because it gives my thoughts more time to think about what I want to do next time. And I get to just get my worry out.” And “I like that sometimes you guys forget to talk to me about it the next day.”

At first, when I heard my daughter tell me that I forget about it the next day, I was like yikes. Then I thought about it a little bit more and it made me realise that not everything that happens, needs a big discussion.