Surviving Tantrums
“Your child is not throwing a tantrum, a tantrum is throwing your child.” Dr. Mona Delahooke
I love shifting my mindset as it helps guide my thoughts and behaviours. If I think my child is throwing a tantrum, then I'm going to have more resentment towards my kid and feel like it's my job to get them to stop having the tantrum. Or I think they just need to learn how to control it. However, if I look at it more like Dr. Delahooke is suggesting that the tantrum is throwing my child, I am way more likely to have empathy for my kid, and work through this together.
First and foremost, I would like to humanise being a parent and acknowledge it is 100% okay tantrums throw you as well. A lot of us weren't raised with the knowledge and skills to get through our big emotions. This is not a knock on our parents; there’s just new information and resources available now as there will be new information and resources available when our children are older.
The next most powerful thing we can do is regulate ourselves in the moment. Dr. Lisa Feldman says, “the best thing for your nervous system is another human. The worst thing for your nervous system is... also another human.” Our nervous system has the ability to impact other peoples nervous systems, including our kids and vice versa. Humans can synchronise their breathing and their heartbeats, and even change what happens in another person’s body with certain looks when we are together. It’s important to note, I want parents to regulate for themselves because you're an important person and you deserve to be able to get through tough moments. And, if we are able to regulate ourselves, we give children the benefit of our calm nervous system. This is referred to as co-regulation. Sometimes our society wants parents to do things because it will benefit our kids. I want it to benefit you first and then your child. I might say something like, “I see how upset you are. I'm going to take a minute to calm my body down and then I can listen to your upset.”
Then I regulate near them. I think sometimes we are all looking for these extravagant ways of regulating ourselves in a moment. The reality is all you have on you at any given time is you and your environment. I know taking deep breaths is over talked about in our society but it is also under-utilised in big moments. So, I hate to say this, but taking deep breaths is the first step. This signals to your nervous system you are okay or at least getting there. There are so many different breaths out there to practice. I, personally, use my kids tantrums to practice different ones I've heard about and now I have my go-tos. The teenager in me really loves that the sigh breath is scientifically proven to help calm people down. I feel like my Mom used to get really annoyed when I would sigh, and now I feel very vindicated science is on my side. Hi Mom if you are reading this, I love you!
You can also use your environment to ground yourself. What can you see? What can you touch? What can you smell? What can you hear (other than your child yelling)? A lot of times our big feelings are living in the anxiety this will last forever and our mind is rarely present in the room.
And then I just focus on my kid. I might throw out a few empathising words for one of my kids, and I stay silent for the other kid (who does not appreciate any words). Whether I show up for them close to their body or right outside of their door, I want them to know that I am here for them. After some time has passed, I usually do a connecting activity without talking to them about what happened. This might be me reading a book, listening to each other's heartbeats, cuddling, putting on a podcast on the way to school, or drawing love hearts on their back.
When we are well and truly outside of the moment, I will talk to them about what was going on for them and what their feelings were trying to tell them. Then come up with a few ideas together of how to help them get through these moments.