Getting on the Same Parenting Page
“I just want to be on the same page with my partner.” I hear this sentiment often in my practice, and it’s a common desire for many couples. However, the reality is that we all come from different backgrounds, with distinct wants, needs, and ways of trying to meet those needs. Achieving alignment in a relationship requires emotional safety, a willingness to communicate vulnerably, and, perhaps most importantly, listening to truly understand each other.
Let's figure out together how to get on the same page or more importantly how to co-author your family’s book.
Providing Emotional Safety through Vulnerability
The depth of our conversations is heavily influenced by the emotional safety we provide each other. When discussing important matters, if we feel our partner won’t hold our feelings with care, we’re less likely to share openly. Similarly, if we sense that blame or accusations are looming, our instinct is to protect ourselves—often leading to shutdowns or avoidance.
Creating emotional safety means cultivating an environment where both partners feel secure enough to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation. Here are a few ways to foster this kind of atmosphere:
Find your Calm: emotionally regulate before having these more difficult conversations. Really think about what brings you peace: reading a book, being in nature, exercising, and or vagal toning exercises.
If you don't know how to find your calm that's okay; there are so many good books and workbooks you can do at home (like the Vagus Nerve Reset) or seeking outside help can be really valuable. The calm demeanor you bring your partner (and hopefully they bring you) will naturally encourage openness and trust.
Get to the root of the problem: what are you afraid is going to happen if your partner keeps doing the behaviour you don't like? And then flip it what do you think your partner is afraid of if they don't engage in that behaviour?
For instance, if the behaviour is threatening to take away their toys if they don't listen. What are you afraid of is going to happen if they do threaten to take away their toys? Are you afraid it's going to teach your kid to be compliant instead of thinking for themselves? Then ask yourself or your partner what you think they are afraid of is going to happen if they don't threaten to take away their toys. Could it be your partner is afraid of their child not listening to them when it comes to the bigger things?
Practice Non-Judgment: Approach conversations with an open mind. Avoid placing blame; instead, focus on understanding each other's perspectives.
If you're feeling judgemental, that is a common experience that happens to so many people. When we judge people we're trying to figure out how to be in a relationship with them. Acknowledge your judgment to yourself as a way to connect with your partner. And then start the conversation with just that; “I really want to come together on this… what do you want Josh to do in the mornings?”
Acknowledge Feelings: Validate each other’s emotions. Even if you don’t agree, acknowledging your partner’s feelings is crucial. When we validate somebody's feelings we are saying I see you and your experience. We are not saying I meant to hurt you or our kids. Even something so simple as “It is so frustrating when the kids don't listen I get that.”
Speak from Values and Shared Goals: This might sound like, “I really want our kids to listen to us too. I’m worried if we threaten them they are just listening to us out of fear and not because they value our opinion. What do you think/ how do you want to approach it?”
Listening to Understand
Renowned couples therapist Esther Perel emphasizes that the most crucial communication skill for couples is listening—not just waiting for your turn to speak. It’s easy to fall into the trap of listening to respond instead of genuinely trying to understand your partner’s point of view.
Here are some strategies to enhance your listening skills:
Reflective Listening: Paraphrase what your partner says to ensure you understand their perspective. This demonstrates that you are engaged and value their input.
Ask Clarifying Questions: If something isn’t clear, ask for clarification. This shows your commitment to understanding their feelings and thoughts.
Be Patient: Allow your partner the time they need to express themselves fully. Rushing the conversation can lead to misunderstandings and frustration.
Seeking Support
If you are reading this and you're like yeah, yeah, that would all be nice, but I don't know how to get there or get my partner on board. This is the perfect opportunity to seek outside support. Navigating the complexities of relationships can be challenging, especially when the stakes are high, such as during parenting. If these concepts feel overwhelming, it’s completely normal. This is why many couples seek therapy—to create a safe space guided by a trained professional who can help facilitate these conversations.
The journey to being on the same page is often filled with ups and downs, but it’s absolutely worth it. When couples are raising children, they can either drift apart over the years or come together, stronger than ever. The effort you put into building emotional safety, communicating vulnerably, and listening with the intent to understand will lay a solid foundation for a healthier, more connected partnership.
Conclusion
Ultimately, being on the same page is a continuous journey rather than a destination. By prioritising emotional safety, vulnerability, and active listening, you can navigate the complexities of your relationship together. Your partnership—and your family—will benefit immensely from the investment you make in understanding and connecting with one another.