Co-Regulating with Your Partner: Resourcing Each Other When it Matters
In any relationship, moments of tension, stress, and emotional disconnection are bound to happen. But what if there was a way to navigate those moments with greater ease and understanding—without spiraling into conflict or shutting down? According to renowned relationship expert Stan Tatkin, co-regulation is one of the key practices that can transform how couples respond to emotional stress and create deeper connection, intimacy, and security.
What Is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the process of supporting each other’s emotional states, particularly during moments of distress or heightened emotion. Instead of withdrawing, blaming, or becoming defensive, co-regulating couples actively tune into each other, providing calm, reassurance, and understanding. It’s about creating a rhythm between partners where both feel safe and validated, even in challenging moments.
Stan Tatkin, a pioneer in the field of attachment theory and a creator of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy(PACT), emphasizes that relationships are most successful when partners act as secure bases for each other. In PACT, he teaches that one of the foundational elements of a healthy relationship is learning to co-regulate, especially during times of emotional dysregulation or stress.
Why Co-Regulation Matters
When one partner feels stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, the other’s response can either help de-escalate the situation or exacerbate it. Co-regulation becomes especially important in romantic relationships, where we often rely on our partners for emotional support and safety.
Research in attachment theory shows that early childhood experiences shape how we regulate our emotions as adults. In relationships, our attachment styles (secure, anxious, or avoidant) can influence how we respond to each other’s emotional states. A partner with a more secure attachment style might naturally be better at calming their partner, while someone with an anxious or avoidant attachment might have more difficulty staying present during emotional turbulence.
Tatkin explains that by practicing co-regulation, even couples with different attachment styles can build emotional resilience together. Co-regulation isn’t about fixing each other’s feelings; it’s about meeting each other where you are and working together to restore emotional balance.
How to Co-Regulate with Your Partner
Building the capacity for co-regulation requires intention, practice, and patience. Here are some of the strategies that Stan Tatkin suggests to strengthen emotional connection and co-regulation in your relationship:
1. Tune Into Your Partner’s State
Co-regulation starts with awareness. Begin by noticing your partner’s emotional state. Are they tense, anxious, angry, or withdrawn? Often, we become so wrapped up in our own feelings that we miss the subtle cues from our partner. Tatkin encourages partners to develop the habit of noticing each other’s body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. This can help you assess whether your partner is in a state of distress and how you might best respond.
2. Physically Connect
In moments of emotional disconnection, physical touch can be a powerful way to re-establish safety and connection. Tatkin advocates for holding hands, hugging, or simply sitting close to each other to help regulate the nervous system. Touch is a fundamental part of the co-regulation process because it communicates safety and reassurance on a biological level. Even something as simple as placing a hand on your partner’s shoulder or holding their hand can activate calming responses in the brain.
3. Slow Down and Breathe
When emotions run high, our bodies often go into fight-or-flight mode, which can cloud our judgment and escalate conflict. A simple yet effective way to help regulate emotions is to slow things down by taking deep, intentional breaths together. This helps both partners re-center and shift out of a reactive state. Deep breathing is a powerful tool for calming the nervous system, and when both partners practice it together, it creates a shared space of safety and mutual care.
4. Empathize and Validate
One of the core principles of co-regulation is empathy—truly hearing and understanding your partner’s emotional experience without judgment or interruption. Tatkin suggests practicing active listening: acknowledging your partner’s feelings, reflecting back what you hear, and validating their experience. Even if you don’t agree with their perspective, letting your partner know that you understand how they feel can go a long way in making them feel seen and supported.
5. Create a Safe "We"
According to Tatkin, relationships work best when both partners can shift their mindset from “me versus you” to “we.” This means putting the relationship above individual needs and working together as a team to address challenges. Co-regulation is most effective when both partners are invested in creating a sense of mutual safety, trust, and connection. When conflict arises, ask yourselves, “How can we get through this together?” rather than focusing on who’s right or wrong.
6. Couples Meditation
You can either book in a couples meditation session with someone else or do it from the comfort of your home for 5 minutes before watching a show together from an app like Insight Timer. Couples meditation is a powerful tool for emotional regulation and deepening connection in a relationship. By practicing meditation together, partners can cultivate a shared sense of calm, mindfulness, and presence, which enhances their ability to co-regulate during stressful moments.
7. Know When to Seek Outside Support
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we may find ourselves stuck in cycles of disconnection or conflict. In these cases, seeking outside support, such as couples therapy, can be an important step in learning how to better co-regulate. A skilled therapist can help both partners understand the dynamics that are blocking emotional connection and teach tools for restoring safety and communication.
Conclusion
Co-regulation is a powerful tool for couples who want to create a deeper, more resilient connection. By practicing empathy, staying physically and emotionally present for each other, and learning to de-escalate moments of stress, you can build a relationship where both partners feel supported, valued, and safe. As Stan Tatkin teaches, the goal isn’t just to get through difficult moments—it’s to grow stronger together through them, co-regulating with each other every step of the way.
Remember, co-regulation is a practice, not a perfect outcome. It takes time, patience, and a commitment to each other’s well-being. But by learning these skills, you and your partner can cultivate a relationship grounded in trust, emotional safety, and a deeper sense of connection.