What Couples are Actually Fighting About
According to a research study about what couples fight about parenting styles was the top source of conflict among parents in the study (52%; Meyer & Sledge, 2021).
Typically, when couples fight they go around and around and around thinking that they are fighting about the content. In actuality, couples are really fighting about what's underneath the content: context. When couples continue to get caught up in the content, then it is like being on a never ending ferris wheel and they don’t get to the root of the problem.
Example:
Parent 1: “Stop threatening Dash about not going to the birthday party. Didn’t you watch the parenting reel I sent you about threats and kids? We agreed we weren’t going to parent like that.”
Parent 2: “ That gentle parenting stuff doesn’t work. He needs to learn to listen.”
So, what’s underneath this fight.
Parent 1: I feel alone. Are we in this together? I want a partner.
Parent 2: I feel powerless and like I can’t do anything right.
Now there is the real fight: the context. I feel alone. Are we in this together? I feel powerless and like I can’t do anything right.
It can feel devastating to feel like you are alone. Parenting is hard and we want to be able to turn to our partner or co-parent and figure it out together. And on the flipside, it can feel very overwhelming to feel powerless or like you’re a failure. Maybe the first person has some childhood wounds of feeling alone and unseen. When this gets activated they start pursuing their partner who in turn can feel criticised. And maybe the other partner has some childhood wounds of feeling like they couldn’t do anything right. Sometimes parents default to parenting styles that were used on them when they were younger. It can take active unlearning of these unproductive strategies before being able to take in and try out new parenting strategies.
Let's heal the aloneness and the powerlessness first .
Then you can look at the parenting approaches and find a way to honour your differences and align your values.